God, the New York Times, and Mr. Falwell

Our man Heinrich meinen Schweinhundt has been nosing around the remains left behind when the staff of the New York Times recently moved from its ancient Time Square offices closer to the bus terminal (closer to dispatch reporters, or easier to escape town?). Heiny, not partcularly a fan of the recently departed Jerry Falwell, has presented us with what he suggests are edited-out texts from Mr. Falwell’s NYT obituary. We seriously doubt their authenticity, but they do cause pause for reflection:

" The Biography Channel’s show on Mr. Falwell reported that he held no earned doctorate. Curious, then, that through the show, many of his colleagues and minions seemed to refer to him as ‘Doctor Falwell’—did he prefer this? Did it help legitimize his message? Or increase his organization’s ability to raise money? The Biography show indicated he held three honorary doctorates from small Bible schools with no generally accepted legitimate accreditation".

"Anglican Bishop Shelby Spong wrote that Mr. Falwell always refused to debate any real theologian. Perhaps this was because of Mr. Falwell’s lack of serious theological training, or more likely his recognition that his hate-filled theology of blame, as it has been publicly identified in recent days, seems to resemble a modified version of Mr. A. Hitler’s propaganda tactics as much as it reflects a literal interpretation of selected Biblical passages".

"The Biography Channel’s show on Mr. Falwell’s life also reported that while an undergraduate at a Bible school, Mr. Falwell found himself coveting his neighbor’s fiancee. Actually, she was his roommate’s fiancee. When the roommate wrote love letters to his fiancee, Mr. Falwell told his roommate that he would mail them. Instead, Mr. Falwell threw out the letters and wrote his own to the woman. The engagement was broken, and Mr. Falwell and his roommate’s ex-fiancee were later married. When later in his life he was asked about this behavior that seems to break several commandments, Mr. Falwell responded, 'All’s fair in love and war' ".

"One wonders whether the foresighted Jesus of Nazareth ascended into heaven to keep from being questioned by the police and moral authorities concerning the activities of his representative Mr. Falwell".

Now, that last one really strains credulity, though it is kind of cute. What was Jerry’s moral compass? Did he see his ministry as war, so every tactic was fair? Did George Bush visit him? If so, did our president think of him as he did of the Pope, as a man of great intelligence and great love? Christian evangelism is much more about showing how one lives in a faith, rather than selling an idea. What did Jerry show?

With a figure as consistently and forcefully proclaiming extreme and unyielding beliefs, it has been easy to find the human holes in Mr. Falwell’s heavenly armor. We see God’s message differently, and we are sure there are holes in our armor. For sure, we must be guilty of the sin that Mr. Nazareth mentioned, the one about being able to find the splinter in our neighbor’s eye while being blind to the log in our own.

We trust that God performed much good through Mr. Falwell. We hope that Mr. Falwell’s belief in a hereafter is correct, and that when he wakes from his rest he finds unexceeded joy and love in the bosom of his God, and forgiveness of everything he got wrong here on earth. We wish this for him, for us, and for you.

Breaking News: Republicans Explain Why We Should Vote for Democrats

In a press conference today, Republican U.S. Congressional leaders explained why Americans should vote some more of them out at the next election, giving Democrats a larger majority in both houses of Congress.

For the past six years, Republicans were in charge of Congress and the White House. During that time, Congress did pretty much what the President wanted, and failed to do their duty and mainstain oversight on an Administration that has plunged the U.S. into huge debt, has killed over 3,500 military men and women so far in a war the President’s daddy was smart enough to avoid, has soiled U.S. reputation and prestige around the world as completely as a baby soils a diaper unchanged for a week, has set the stage to ravage the environment mercilessly, and has lied as easily as it has breathed. The facts, as well as media pundits and the Republicans themselves, show clearly that the minority Democrats were helpless and useless to stop the Republican wrongdoing.

Enough Americans got sick of this Republican garbage that they voted Democrats into a slight majority in both Congressional houses last year. This morning, the minority Republicans proudly announced that they had foiled the Democrats’ attempt to hide spending for special projects that most Americans would find wasteful. The Republican leaders sounded like their old selves again, fighting wasteful spending and protecting American taxpayers against tax-and-spend Democrats.

When the Republicans were in charge of Congress, even the few Republicans who wanted to save money couldn’t. Republicans do a much better job of saving our money when they’re in the minority. They’ll do an even better job when a Democrat moves into the White House.

Coming soon to a computer screen near you

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